Touchy Topic: Sex
Yes, you read that right. This week, I’m writing about sex.
The Bible has so much to say about sex, it might surprise you it isn’t discussed more in church. I wish it was. Of the many we could choose, let’s just take a few verses that are more directly related to how we can handle this amazing topic in fiction.
Proverbs 30:18-20 has been a passage I’ve always greatly appreciated. It describes sex (specifically a woman’s first experience) as being “too wonderful for me…I do not understand”. Immediately after, the adulteress is described as someone who eats, wipes her mouth and says, “I have done no wrong”. Contrasting two ideas is a common literary device in Scripture, as we see here. In essence, there’s a clear statement being made about sex—it is wonderful and beautiful and mysterious, and it can also be wrong. This is an important truth to keep in mind when processing depictions of sex in literature.
Another relevant verse, 1 Corinthians 7:3 is quite blunt. “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs”. Obviously, God isn’t embarrassed by ‘the deed’ and shame isn’t intrinsic to sex. It’s a topic that can be written about, and should be, in the right context. A beautiful example of how sex can be portrayed artistically is the infamous poetry book by Solomon. There are quite a few explicit phrases, if you use your imagination. But I wouldn’t call the book ‘graphic’ or ‘porn’ although it might not be something I’d want to read out loud in mixed company! The thing I appreciate about Song of Songs is its unabashed celebration of pleasure shared by a husband and wife who are desirous of each other, both emotionally and sexually.
What do we observe happening in the human community regarding this topic?
Sex is everywhere, honestly. There are countless approaches to it—obsession, apathy, disillusion, casual detachment, bitterness, fear, pain, dissatisfaction, idolatry, avoidance, lying, cheating, manipulating, selling, buying, romanticizing, flaunting, rebelling, shaming, and the list goes on.
If you ask someone about their experiences, people might tell you they are happy with their sex life. They’re more likely to brush you off for asking an awkward question. But is it common for people to say they’re completely satisfied, fulfilled, and confident in this area of their personhood? A few individuals might claim utter satisfaction and joy in sex. I think it’s pretty rare, actually. It’s certainly fleeting, as is any happiness or enjoyment in life.
But you can’t avoid sex as a topic, even if it’s awkward. Your very existence is derived from the fact that someone had sex at some point! Most people go through puberty, and biological factors make the topic unavoidable, whether with your self or your child or your friend. For children, having parents who avoid the topic can cause a lot of damage. Single people are unhappy when they can’t have sex, and married people are unhappy because they don’t have the sex they want. If you look at the larger picture of human experience, this is a deeply emotional, complicated topic that should never be brushed aside or met with pat answers.
In fiction, this topic isn’t helped by surrealism and romanticized descriptions of sex. I don’t think those approaches are necessarily wrong—just a little like drinking soda when you’re dying of thirst. Consuming them isn’t going to do you much good. Another approach I see fairly often in fiction, is explicit realism. This usually strays over into the genre of pornography. The reason porn is a problem, within literature and outside of it, has to do with brain function and the prevalence of addictive behaviors related to dopamine and serotonin seeking habits.
We authors can do better. Do you really want someone to read your book just because it makes their brain feel a little pleasure spike? It’s akin to drug-dealing as a profession. In my opinion, writing smut is predatory and unacceptable.
But what does it look like to actually beautify and celebrate the human experience of sex? I believe this is a goal to which authors can and should aspire.
A book that is a fair example of this, apart from the Song of Songs, is Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I read it so many years ago I can’t recall specifics, but it was the first book that talked about sex from a Christian perspective and portrayed both the ugly and the beautiful expressions of intercourse. Another example is a scene from a Dorothy Dunnett novel wherein the main character has sex with a prostitute in such a way that she’s able to let go of her self-loathing. This isn’t what you could call ‘moral’ but I think it said something profound about sex’s ability to reach further beyond a person’s defenses than reason at times. I hope there are other beneficial examples of sex in fiction out there, but it seems they are few and far between.
If I were to evaluate a book’s depiction of sex, I would be looking for something that celebrates it without shame, something that acknowledges the vulnerability and imperfection of engaging in sex with another person. It would also be really nice to see the humorous and fun and playful sides of sex depicted, because honestly, movies and books take ‘being sexy’ wayyy too seriously.
Ultimately, sex is designed for monogamy. The best way to understand it, is to explore it in that context. There will be enough problems to surmount within a marriage relationship without throwing in outside factors. That’s my opinion, and I think there’s ample evidence to support it, both in fiction and real life.
